Monthly Archives: April 2011

becoming a mother.

when does motherhood begin?

is it when you see the two brand new shiny lines on the pregnancy test? is it when you excitedly run to your husband/boyfriend/partner/etc to share the news? is when the delivery nurses place that screaming pink baby on your chest? is it when you leave the hospital and realize this baby is yours for good? is motherhood a physical act or a emotional one? or both?

being around my mom for the last couple of days and hearing her refer to me as “mama” has got me wondering… when did I become mama? and then of course my brain went into… what qualifies me to be one? yes… that’s how I roll people.

my mom and I have had a rocky twenty six years together. we were never the bff’s she and my sister are… we drove each other batty pretty much the entire time. I was that girl that practically sprinted out the front door the day of my high school graduation… my mom’s favorite quote is… you were independent from the moment you were born. and she’s absolutely right… in a lot of ways, grayson has bridged the gap between my mom and I… a tiny little peace ambassador we both love. it’s a beautiful thing really… and something I’ve been yearning for for a long time…

motherhood for me started when I found out I was pregnant. all I cared about since that unforgettable moment  was to protect my little human. I would close the vents in my car when I was driving behind someone who was smoking thinking to myself, get that cancer stick away from my baby… I would make sure I ate right… even if it was just going to be puked up later. I would write him letters about who I hoped I could become for him. a mother. a strong woman. a loving wife to his daddy. I would pray and pray that god would protect him while he was housed in my imperfect shell… that to me is when I became a mother.

now that I’ve known him for six months. I’ve racked up countless smiles, gurgles, cries, moans, and squeals of delight… I know what motherhood is. it’s taking the good with the bad and making something out of it. it’s shaping this little human to be the best he can be. it’s putting him first but making time for myself. it’s not just a label. it’s not just a role. it’s a life choice. I chose to be a mother. and I fully intend on rocking it. maybe not everyday, but I’m going to do my best to be all I can be… and hopefully, someday in twenty six years or so… he can look at me while I hold his child and I call him daddy… and know he’s worthy of the title.

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busy busy busy bee… makes for a happy sara.

today was an insanely busy day. busy = AWESOME… for lots of reasons. mainly, it left me zero time… I mean zero to wallow in how much I miss my husband… and that my friends, is a recipe for a very good day…

g woke me up this morning with his happy squeals… I love waking up to that… I can’t help but wonder how nice that would be. to just wake up and be happy. just happy to be awake! in the hopes that if I make just enough noise, maybe my favorite playmate (i.e. mama or daddy…) will show up… and if they don’t… then I might pull out one of my handy tricks (read: cry hysterically until I see mama and then I can’t help but grin from ear to ear…) and then I KNOW she’ll show up. apparently, I’m easy to “work”… ha. we cuddled for a bit this morning… and then on with the day. we had a lot to do!

the early part of this morning was spent cleaning and organizing for my mom to arrive tomorrow. when I had that done we worked on settling g into his morning nap so he’d have a little patience for our lunch date… once he woke up from his longer than usual first morning nap… happy again! we were off to get ready for our lunch date with alison and mia… isn’t his outfit adorable? we had to send this photo to daddy…

once we met up with alison and mia… (doesn’t mia look like alison’s little clone?!) mia was all about grayson… wanted to cuddle him and see his feet… and she was playing with her mommy’s ipod and playing a soundtrack to our lunch (I have “party in the usa” stuck in my head… I have a feeling it’s going to take up residence there for quite some time)… it was a blast. alison and I got to chat… mia got to wear g out… it was awesome. made me even more excited to see g grow. five year olds are fun! just sayin’…

after lunch I decided to try and get g into the dr (they got him in super fast! I’m gonna miss our peed!)… because he’s had a rash I’ve had no luck getting rid of… we had to wait quite a while, but the little man was such a trooper… and just chilled with mama. smiling and giggling and making mass amounts of drool… he’s 18 pounds 14 ounces now… he’s almost gained two pounds in three weeks… talk about a growth spurt!

once we got out of there… it was almost time for g to go to sleep! we came home. bounced a while… and it was off to g’s night time routine. (even though it was still super bright outside. definitely one of the only downers about this good weather!… he went down no problem tonight… and that makes for an awesome day!!!

added bonus? the weather was so nice I got to lay g’s wool out in the sun to dry after lanolizing it! woot woot!

well, that’s all for now… I’m spent! can’t wait for tomorrow… get to hang out with lovely katherine and everly… and then I get to see my mom… and guess what?! only five more days until I get to see john!!!!! toodloo!

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the great cloth diaper change!

I was sooooooooooooo incredibly stoked when I woke up this morning and g was feeling better. I had been kind of up and down about going to massachusetts for the great cloth diaper change over at sustainablebabyish|sloomb… g was sick, I was going to have to go alone, and it’s quite the drive… two and a half hours one way with a six month old… not to mention gas is a whopping 4.15 a gallon here! but this morning… he woke up smiling. no fever. back to regular little grayson. it was on! we were going! but then… it took was felt like three years to get me and him together… usually I’m an “always be prepared” kind of mama… my diaper bag is always packed and ready to just yank off the wall… but lately I haven’t been going anywhere… so, um yeah.

then once I finally got the two of us in the car I realized… john has the gps in texas! so I had to go back inside and print directions… which took forever because the printer and computer were both powered down… holy moly. but I still had faith. I jumped in the car and noticed my gas light on… I mean really?! seriously?!

once I got gas… I took it as a sign from the big man upstairs that I should not be going… because it started to pour rain. I mean POUR. the visibility was crap… and I don’t know if you’ve been to CT lately but people drive like crazies around here… and there was no way I was going to drive in that endangering my kiddo… to miss the event. no can do.

with that… we ran over to target… grabbed some (gasp!) formula… and headed back home… I will still be changing his diaper at noon… but I am not gonna lie… I am incredibly bummed we don’t get to participate in such a monumental event for cloth diapering awareness…

but sometimes… you just gotta do what you gotta do…

and with that… we’re back to cleaning for my mom’s visit… she’ll be here on tuesday and I can’t wait! toodloo…

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growing up grayson: SIX freaking months (belated…)

(photo by kristen young.)

welp, my kiddo is half a year old. kind of amazing really. there were moments in the last six months where I thought we’d NEVER get here. it was soooo far away. but here we are… we made it… and I have the cutest little baby boy ever… to prove it…

♦ stats

height: 27.25 inches

weight: 17 pounds 3 ounces (almost TRIPLE his birth weight… eep!)

 changes this month

→ he knows his name! no joke, if you say grayson he turns and looks at you!

→ he discovered his feet in the bath… now every bath the first thing he does is             grabs his feet… it’s like, look mama! I have feet! 

→ his feet touch the ground in his excersaucer… the kid is a bouncing pro!

→ chewing on EVERYTHING. hands, toys, elsie…

 baby tricks perfected this month

√ rolling over BOTH ways… the kid has mastered it. I can’t leave him any one               place for longer then about three seconds… because when I come back he’s               rolled down the street practically…

pulling mama’s hair. it’s like he grabs it on purpose… obviously he doesn’t, but       man… it hurts! I keep grabbing his hands and just reminding him, gentle… but       you know… he’s learning he can do things… why not tug on mama’s hair…

 things I adore about baby g this month

I know g has always had some sort of idea of who his mama is/was… but now I know he knows who I am. we’ve had a couple of moments this month where he had “stranger danger” feelings… and he just wanted ME! it was awesome. not the fact that he was upset… but the fact that he wanted me to console him. melts me every time. he’s also getting to know the dogs… which I’m enjoying. he grabs elsie and tugs on her and she doesn’t seem to mind… all of a sudden she’s reminding me of an old lab… just chill… which is great! eases my mama mind for sure… he’s getting more and more personality by the day… he’s tickelish and I can make him laugh for dayyyyyyys… which is one of my favorite things ever. he’s just getting more and more fun by the day… it’s awesome to be a part of.

that’s all for now! sorry it’s late! toodloo!

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when you’re sliding into first and you feel a sudden burst…

… diarrhea! ha! I knew you’d be excited to finish that one…

just so you know there is a difference between 3am diarrhea and any other time… it’s a lot grosser… and seemingly a lot more messy. in the five, almost six months I’ve been cloth diapering I’ve only had one other blow-out… but this one takes the cake… I had to change the sheet, wipe down the mattress… oh! and clean off my arm… all the while poor little g cries his little heart out. which come to find out was because he has a fever… and probably a belly ache. I called the peed… they think it may be from me switching the formula (my best guess, I would have to agree)… but since the fever was above 100, they wanted me to keep him away from other babies for at least 24 hours. awesome. this would totally happen the night before we had a playdate scheduled with our lovely katherine and everly… which we’ve had to reschedule twice already… just my luck… nevertheless, poor little man is not doing so hot today. the only reason I’m getting a second to write this is he’s FINALLY sleeping. hallelujar. thank. you. tylenol.

as for me… I’ve already got my washing machine on the job cleaning away… and I’m going to try and veg to recharge and get myself ready for round two of sickypoop grayson. is it just me or does everything seem ten times harder when your husband is away? I feel like I’m doing pretty well though. just about two weeks without him and I haven’t thrown myself down the stairs… hahaha. kidding, only kidding…

that’s all for now. catch you on the flip side… toodloo…

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story time… psst! it’s a downer!

every morning if I beat grayson up (which is rare…) I take the dogs out to relieve themselves before the hustle of the day ensues. last sunday was just like every other sunday… minus the fact that I had just sent john to texas… I was a tad on the mopey side… and hardly awake, when I noticed elsie digging at the earth in the backyard. she was digging like there was something to be found… I raced over… mind you, I was in flip flops and a robe… so as fast as one can “race”… in my mind she had found a snake… and I was worried she was going to get bitten… but to my surprise… she’d found a bunny nest!

I was giddy… they were so so so cute! plus, it grabbed me out of my mopey mess… even if just for a moment. it definitely sent my routine with els and bax into a tailspin because the two of them were gunning for the bunnies… in fact, after this elsie beat me to them and tossed one across the yard. luckily, I wasn’t too far behind… and the bunny seemed unharmed….

every morning since I’ve rushed to check on my little easter bunnies to make sure they were safe and sound. we’d had some serious storms… and guess what? they did just fine… this is what they looked like yesterday… they looked like little bunnies!!!

sadly… this morning when I went to check on them… they were gone. there was no evidence something got them (usually animals leave remnants, ew.)… so I’m hoping they just hopped away to go get some twitterpated action… and live happy little bunny lives… but it sort of reminded me of something that happened when I was younger…

shortly after my parents divorced… I must’ve been 10 or so… maybe 11… we moved to the country. I was sooooooooo excited. I’ve always been an animal kind of girl (you would have never guessed, right?) and this house happened to come with a couple of chickens and a ton of cats. back then I knew nothing about spaying and neutering…

when we moved in I met my first feral cat whom I named “rags”… basically because her color pattern looked like a bunch of rags thrown together… a couple of months into meeting rags she gave birth to four kittens… four completely adorable kittens… and I was the only person she’d let close enough to say hello to the babies…

as time went on, and the kittens turned into teenagers… they found awesome hiding spots around the property… their favorite being the motor of my mothers car. I think you may see where this is going…

one night my mom was heading out to teach her night class… I told her the kittens were in the motor and to let me know before she left… she was in such a flurry on her way to school she didn’t hear me… I should have just run outside and got them out right then… looking back I have no idea why I didn’t… I guess I thought she wouldn’t be leaving for a while or something…

but then…

I heard the car start. I ran out of the house screaming… just to catch my mom driving out of the driveway and down the road…

plop.

plop.

plop.

one by one… my kittens fell out of the motor of my moms car. it was one of those things I’ll never forget. I can still feel the way my heart felt like it had burst out of my chest. and how I wondered if they could possibly survive something like that. the way I felt as I buried the kittens.  I bawled for days. I swore I would never get attached to another living creature so long as I lived… but it was just another one of those situations where the kittens were my distraction… taking my mind away from huge changes going on in my life.

the bunnies were a lot less traumatizing then the kittens, but it felt similar. finding them the morning after john had left seemed sort of like a gift… so when they weren’t there this morning, I caught myself in a slight state of depression… grayson was still sleeping because he’d woken up a couple of times in the night… so I was alone and unsure of what had happened to “my” bunnies…

but then this happened…

this is going to sound wildly cliche’, but this kid has brought me so much joy in the last six months… I mean how do you look at that face and not forget about every bad thing that has ever happened? answer? you don’t. this past week without john has been a challenge… I won’t lie… I’ve had moments where I’ve questioned our decision for me to stay behind with grayson… and moments where I’ve questioned me staying home with him and not working… but the truth is… I’ll take it all. the good. the whiny. the happy. the teething. I’ll take it. every moment like this with him seems to cancel out three of the questionable moments in my life. he does not define me. I’m still sara with my own goals and my own life… but learning to be his mother has been the most incredible adventure of my life thus far. it’s changing the way I experience things. what can I say? motherhood is unreal. and even though I may not know what has happened to my little easter bunnies… I’ll get to enjoy plenty more moments like this with my little grayson. smiles and coos and cuddles galore! so, sorry bunnies… but that’s a trade I’ll gladly take…

that’s all for now, friends… toodloo…

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bloggin’ slacker.

I’ve been slackin’ lately… hardcore. I actually think about my blog on a daily basis now. I’m quite attached… it’s just… by the end of each day… I’m haggard. mentally, physically… just worn out. the last three nights I’ve gone to be with a gnarly headache at 7:30! the kicker? I’m not waking up feeling rested. I’m just worn out. I miss john. the stress of the move is beginning to pile up. it’s quite possibly the most organized and easy move I’ve ever made in my life but with grayson… it just doesn’t seem simple…

today was busy from the moment g woke up. the dogs were hyper. g was hyper… it was a giggle-filled day… and I literally had zero energy. I went back on a medication I was on prior to getting pregnant with g for PCOS… called metformin. I don’t know if any of you have been on this… but for the first couple of weeks it’s almost like your GI system is on a meltdown… it’s all kinds of miserable. not to mention the dizzy spells, the general overwhelming feeling of weakness, oh yeah and the lethargy. we can’t forget that. I know I need to be on this medication… for a multitude of reasons… but it SUCKS! I’m happy to be starting it now though… and not in the middle of the move. it’s almost as if g could sense this in his little baby brain today… that I was completely dragging… because he took a very uncharacteristically long nap… which gave me the chance to grab a few z’s myself… and then he was up for a couple of hours and went to sleep right on schedule… seriously… if the kid ever deserved a hug… it’s right now. bless his little pee-pickin’ heart.

so that’s what’s up. just tired… and busy. when I’m not busy with g I’m busy with the dogs or cleaning house… you know what people? this SAHM gig is no joke! it’s tons of work! I was expecting work… but seriously… it’s never ending. I’m not gonna lie though… it’s still the bomb… and I’m giddy about it…

I’m getting delirious. nighty night friends.

oh and p.s. I was teasing baxter today with a noise that gets him howling… I look over at grayson and he’s got his bottom lip out! it was so cute I recreated it and got it on video. I’m not sure I’m going to post it… don’t want you to think I torture my kid… it was just SO CUTE. we’ll see…

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idle hands…

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. which I’m finding is sort of hard to do! most of my friends work, john is in texas already… and grayson is keeping me company, but come on! can’t have much of a conversation with a baby… he’s definitely helping keep me busy though…

the landlord called me yesterday and told me they’d like to show the house today. I about had a heart attack. when she called I literally looked around the living room and realized I better get my butt in gear or this place would be in no shape to show! ever since I’ve been cleaning… seriously, if I wasn’t married to john I’d be a slob. I just don’t have that clean gene… I’m working on it though… and I must admit, I’ve been taking advantage of the fact that my clean freak husband hasn’t been around… and now I’m kicking myself for it… on the other hand though, my house did need a overhaul kind of clean…

so that’s what I’ve been up to… cleaning in a furry kind of way… especially when g’s sleeping… side note: it’s day FOUR of dairy formula and he’s doing super well. sleeping like a champ, no GI issues… I’m super stoked about it. I hope it continues to go well because I don’t know if you know this but the pre-digested formula is wicked expensive! and he’s eating like a horse these days! 8 ounces every 3ish hours… horse I tell you!

anywho – sorry for the fluff… just thought I’d throw an update your way… oh and remember the bunny nest I told you elsie found? well they opened their eyes today!!!! so so so cute. I’ll have to post some pictures. it’s a pain keeping elsie away from them and pushes my limits pretty hard, but it’s so fun watching them grow!

that’s all for now… toodloo…

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and I wonder why I stay fat.

since the moment I dropped john off at the airport I’ve done nothing but emotionally EAT. I’ve got to get a handle on it… I am one of those people that gains weight by LOOKING at the wrong food… and what am I doing? eating lots and lots of crap food. the next time I see john – he’s not going to recognize me… because I’ll be an elephant.

todays menu went a little like this…
breakfast – sonics breakfast burrito
snack – pretzels
lunch – starbucks cake pop
dinner – mcdonalds chicken nuggets and fries… and breyers ice cream.

yes… I am a cow. a fast food junkie… ESPECIALLY when I’m down. which I thought I wasn’t… but when I sat down to think about what I’d eaten today… I realized I am down… really down apparently… I’ve gotta quit it… I didn’t gain any weight until after I had the baby… who does that?

anywho… enough of my gross rant. I miss you, john.

toodloo…

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