g stopped breathing today. or so I think… I keep telling myself it was hard sleeping. so say it with me now, he was hard sleeping.
I never thought I would ever have to say that. never in a million years. I thought all of this worrying of mine was silly. everything I obsess over was just my new mama jitters. just from hearing it from the docs in the nicu… and until today I think that may have been true. today was the first time I didn’t trust my gut. the first time I didn’t go to check on him just in case. the first time I genuinely feel like I failed him. which on one hand, I suppose I did… but on the other? I kind of think I saved myself a little bit. if that makes any sense at all.
I have g’s monitor strapped to the side of his crib, because I am that obsessive about his breathing. I will not go to sleep before I check on him at least twice… at the risk of waking him. I have to see his stomach rising up and down. I will reposition him… to make sure he’s in a position I KNOW he can breathe. am I obsessive? hell yes I am. does he have bumpers? yes. does he have blankets usually? double yes… why? because the kid won’t sleep otherwise. trust me, I’ve tried.
here’s the scoop. tonight I put g to bed at 6:45. he’s been going to sleep early, but it hasn’t been an issue because he’s been sleeping through the night. tonight was no different. I put him down… and he was out like a light in no time. I decided I would watch “black swan” … which is a movie I’ve been dying to see… so I sat down, turned the monitor on… and got comfy… about ten minutes into the movie I thought I heard a cry. but I looked at the monitor and it was on. no sounds coming from his room. honestly? I thought I was hallucinating. which I will tell you has definitely happened since he was born. I hear him at work sometimes people… so I didn’t think much of it. my gut said, just go check on him… but I thought, nah. I’m gonna have some me time. he’s fine. about an hour later I thought I heard it again… so I walked upstairs… went into his room to find him covered with his blanket… it was wrapped around his neck and smothering his face.
my worst fear realized.
I yanked him out of his crib and he wasn’t really moving. he still had lots of color so the first thought in my head was to turn him over and pound on his back… about two seconds into this he started coughing… and until about ten minutes ago… he was in my lap cooing and laughing at me. THANK GOD. I called my peed and he said this happens on occasion… he said I was incredibly lucky and that I definitely should remove blankets for the time being. I agreed. I also sent a nasty gram to graco… because my monitor was on… just decided it didn’t want to communicate with the parent unit.
moral of the story? don’t use blankets. don’t buy a graco monitor. and TRUST YOUR GUT.
how did this save me? for months I have been stressing that I was over thinking everything. that I was majorly sucking at this mom gig. and that I needed to just slow down and enjoy g. now I’m beginning to realize that’s a part of me being a mom. I’m going to over think things. I’m going to stress from time to time… and I’m going to trust my gut instincts. I’m still new. I’m gonna make mistakes. and lord knows, if this would have had another outcome, I would be destroyed. but it didn’t. so I’m going to be proud of myself for not crumbling in the moment… and I’m going to never buy any graco product ever again…
(photo by kristen young)
because this guy right here my friends… is irreplaceable…
that’s all for now. toodloo.